


Burn

by kiimigi



Category: Free!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, Angst, Arson, M/M, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 02:38:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13603800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiimigi/pseuds/kiimigi
Summary: Haru loved Rin. Or at least he used to. Haru is trapped in a abusive relationship with Rin, being dragged around the country in a rundown car, surrounded by the corpses of cigarette buds and leaving a trail of burnt down houses.He stays, he lies to himself, because he had fallen in love with Rin in past for a reason, maybe he’d remember why. Or maybe he was just stupid. Not that Rin would even let him leave if he tried to, not without a fight.





	Burn

The sky hung dark and heavy as rain pattered to the ground. Haru’s head leaned against the car’s window, watching raindrops tear down the glass with dull eyes. The world turned into an endlessly repeating cycle of trees, smeared into a muddle of greens and browns as Rin drove them down the empty road, a map sprawled across his lap. The radio played in the background, playing some song Haru had never heard before. It might as well have been playing static, but he liked to keep it on anyways. It was like a radio contacting a drifting astronaut to the earth, their only glimpse to the outside word. Huston we have a problem. Haru arched his back and shifted around trying to stretch himself but it’s pointless. His entire body ached, a bone deep throb from that very specific cramp someone gets when they sit for too long. A pain born from doing nothing. A sore Haru had learnt to live with for 2 years now, ever since he agreed to get into the car with Rin. Haru saw a town sign pass by, too fast to read and Haru not caring enough to.

“Where are we?” Haru said, for the sake of saying something. It had been a couple of hours since either of them had.

“Just some town” Rin said between his cigarette. He took a drag, and the red amber crept closer to his lips, the spark inching up the fuse, before he exhaled smoke. Haru turned his face away, suppressing a cough. Rin flicked the bud onto the floor. It joined the debris of fast food bags and the carpet of cigarette buds that litter the floor like a pile of corpses. Rin fumbled around, taking his eyes off the road to grab another from the box in the centre compartment and lit it with one hand.

“Want some?” Rin said, holding the cigarette out for Haru between his thumb and index finger.

“I don’t smoke” Haru said.

“Not if you count second hand smoking” Rin laughed and Haru narrowed his eyes at him but Rin was facing the road.

“At least roll down the windows if you’re going to do that” Haru grumbled as he rolled down his own window, just a crack so not to let the rain in, because he knew Rin wouldn’t.

Then they see a building, just a peak between the trees and Rin’s entire body changed. He looked like a lion that spotted an old and limping animal. Easy prey. Haru looked at it like a victim.

Rin pulled off the main road and onto the dirt road. The car jerked and bounced beneath them before Rin stopped in front of the house. The house was little more than a dark silhouette, looming over them like something out of a horror movie but Rin looked at it like the crown jewels.

“Looks like nobody lives there” Rin said. Would he care if there were? He gripped the steering wheel and leant forward over it so he could see more of the house. Haru hummed, feigning indifference. He knew what’s coming, he leaned around and checked if anybody was around because he knew Rin won’t, not when he was this tunnel vision-ed

”Grab the gas for me” Rin said but when Haru didn’t move he added, the sharpness diluted by his excitement “I don’t have all day”

Haru rolled his eyes and got up from his seat and leaned between the seats. There nestled between their luggage and food packages was the red gas can. Haru shook it. It’s not as heavy as it had been at the start of this journey. He threw it onto Rin’s lap.

Rin kicked open the door. Haru’s hand moved before he realized it, gripping Rin’s wrist where it was already slipping into his pocket, where he always kept his lighter.

“Rin” he said, like a warning but the words felt empty, lacking any weight “Don’t. Just get back into the car” is what he wanted to say but they both know Rin wouldn’t listen anyway. So he saved his breath. Rin doesn’t even try to pull his wrist free. He just looked at Haru and smiled. They both know that he would just have to say it and Haru would let go. So Haru lets go before he can, at least then he could lie to himself and say it was his idea. They both know it isn’t. They both know who’s in charge here. Haru climbed back into his seat and crossed his arms, his eyes pointedly forward.

“I won’t do anything, sweetheart” Rin leaned against the roof of the car “I’m just cold” he said lying behind a smile before he slammed the door shut and trudged through the dark. Rin was lying. He wasn’t cold, he was itchy. He was an addict in more ways than one. He could only go so long before the need, the urges got too strong.

Not that Haru was any better. His hand slipped into his back pocket, coincidentally the same place where Rin kept his lighter, and pulled out the waxy paper of a postcard. A sea side town was shown on one side, scared by the crease lines where he had folded it, and on the other side written in messy, hurried numbers was a phone number. Haru stared at it like an acid trip. There were memories of green eyes and warm hands but they were locked behind a door, along with everything else that has now become too painful to think about. This postcard, the phone number was his only key. If only he could turn it and unlock it. The door was beautiful from a distance, but up close, he could see the chipped paint and scratches and the knob was glowing hot. He was scarred of getting burned again. So he watched from a distance and kept it in its perfect form. He stays, he lies to himself, because he had fallen in love with Rin in past for a reason, maybe he’d remember why. Or maybe he was just stupid. Not that Rin would let him leave if he tried to, not without a fight. Rin watched the building burn standing in the rain with a smile on his face, letting the fire lick at him. Haru watched from the car.

It had been a hot summer when they first met. Haru had been laying by the pool, his hair still wet from his swim, a leg dipped in the pool as he let the sun bake him dry. He hadn’t heard Rin coming but then there he was, standing above him, the sun haloed behind him and casting a shadow. Rin was charming and confident and he had the same smile, even then. At first Haru wanted nothing to do with him, he was just the new kid in town, and everyone treated him like the new toy. Then they raced. He had been a competitive swimmer back then, and racing Rin for the first time, it felt like it swimming had never before. It felt like his blood was on fire. It was intoxicating. Before he knew it he was addicted to that feeling. It was no longer Rin seeking out Haru, it was Haru chasing him down. Even after he stumbled onto Rin burning down a house, his feelings for him didn’t waver, if anything it had made it more exciting.

Rin had been a dazzling being when they first met. Bright and brilliant, casting light on his life like a comet streaking across a night sky. Now, years later, he was too bright. It felt like he was standing close to a fire, warm at first, chasing away the cold and dark then it became scorching, heat lapping at him and choking his breath.

That was all before he drowned.

Rin pulled up to the motel, the building was old, with faded colours and overgrown flower beds. It might have been quaint back in its time. Haru slid out of the car, only slinging his day bag over his shoulder. There was no point in bringing more, they’d be back on the road in no time. There were little buildings around them, nothing larger than two stories. There are wooden fences and well-kept hedges and Haru could hear waves lapping in the distance. It could have been pretty if he was less tired or sore. But something about it put Haru on edge. Haru looked around himself, expecting to see a shadowy figure peeking out of some dark alley. No, it was the town itself. All the towns they’ve visited had blended together after a while but something about this seemed different, too clear in his mind. It felt like he was standing in a memory.

“Get me a pack for me, would you?” Rin said tossing him his wallet over the hood, nodding to the 7/11 across the street. Haru caught it before it collided with his face. He eyed Rin’s ashy hands, smeared grey and black. He already had enough ash on him, let alone in his lungs. Haru rolled his eyes but readjusted his bag and crossed the road. A fire truck blared through the street, its sirens ripped through the silence. Their efforts were in vain though. They had been too slow. The victim was already dead and the murder was here. Haru turned his back and stepped towards the store, the 7/11’s glass doors pinged open and the fluorescent lights were cold and harsh.

“Mevius” Haru said, sliding a note across the counter. He throws a chocolate bar beside it.

“Hey, I know you” Haru felt his blood run cold. He lifted his eyes to look at the attendant. It felt like he was staring through time. He had soft brown hair and green eyes. “You used some big shot swimmer from…oh what was that town called again?”

Haru struggled to keep his features schooled. It wasn’t him. There was no way. His eyes were too dark. His hand still shook when he reached for the packet, shoving it into his pocket “I’m sorry but you’ve got me mixed up for someone else.”

Haru was ice cold and drenched by the time he closed the motel door behind himself. Rin looked up from the map. They’re room was small, with cheap furniture and faded wallpaper which seemed worse under the dim, dirty lighting. It was still better than the car.

“Here” Haru tossed the packet to Rin and dumped his pack haphazardly “I’m going for a bath. I smell like smoke” he said, his voice short.

“Haru-“

The door slamming cuts him off.

What people don’t realize is that actual drowning looked nothing like it does on television. It’s quieter, more subtle. Once you’ve seen the real thing, the TV version seemed like a sick caricature. Haru had learnt that that summer too.

Makoto had been everything Rin wasn’t. Considerate. Calm. Familiar. Safe. They had grown up together and Haru would have once been satisfied with that but now compared to Rin, he seemed like a rusted copper to Rin’s shining gold. Dulled and boring. Haru sat in the grass, his knees pulled up to his chest and arms resting on them, only half listening to Makoto next to him, making small hums to prove that he was. They watched from the bank as Ran and Ren, Makoto’s younger siblings, played in the stream, laughing and shouting as they beat the summer heat.

“Come with me?” Makoto said with a shy smile, holding out his hand for Haru to take. Haru rolled his eyes. Makoto had always been too obvious.

“Yeah, sure, whatever” Haru said taking his hand and letting himself be pulled up. They walked through the forest, leaving the stream behind so that the run of the river was only a whisper. Their hands intertwined in a connection. Haru did nothing to pull his hand away. He liked the attention, craved it, the way Makoto looked at him. He loved the way that he was always the one Makoto came to without even trying. He liked how easy it all was. It was like having a loyal dog trotting around his legs. Maybe that’s why Rin did what he did? The power he felt when he would make someone melt with a glance.

Makoto pushed Haru against a tree until his back was flush against the bark, ever so gently, slowly giving Haru enough time to balk “is this okay?” Makoto whispered, too loud and he might shatter the moment. Makoto took his silence as approval, and bowed forward. The kiss wasn’t his first. Rin had stolen that too. Claimed it as his like did with every part of him till there was nothing left of him for anyone else, mind or body. This kiss was everything the one with Rin wasn’t. It wasn’t fireworks going off in his brain. It wasn’t demanding, teeth clacking against teeth, tongues mingling together. It was sweet and gentle and soft. Or maybe that was just Makoto. It felt like the tables had suddenly turned and Haru tilted his head up and drew Makoto closer, fighting for control before he let go and let himself feel it for the first time.

It felt like they stayed there for forever and for too short. Haru was filled with a warm glow when they left the forest, the sweet aftertaste still lingering on his lips. Whatever they could have been was washed away with the waters when they reached the stream and saw a crowd had gathered. Makoto’s brother was crying. Where was his sister? What could have been a perfect day quickly dissolved into what was possibly the worst day in Makoto’s life. Haru stood there frozen as Makoto ran ahead. What ifs flew through his mind. What if they had stayed? What if they had come back earlier? What if they heard the scream? If there had been a scream, they would have come running and maybe they could have saved her life. But there was never a scream. This was real life after all and not some TV show. There had been no scream or warning.

Makoto left Iwatobi soon after, it had been a summer shower so Makoto would never tell if those were rain or tears streaming down Haru’s face when he left and took what choice Haru had with him. With Makoto now gone, too painful to even think about, Rin seemed like a shining beacon, a lighthouse in the dark. Rin did a good job of picking up the pieces and making sure Haru could never leave him because if he did he’d break all over again. He loved and hated Rin now the same way he love hated Makoto. He had loved Makoto, he was probably his first love, but he hated him for being so selfish that he would leave him behind.

Haru lay at the bottom of the too small tub, feeling weightless with the water surrounding him. His lungs tightened and began to burn but still he stayed under. He opened his eyes and there Rin was, hovering over him, smeared and distorted by the water. Haru could only make out that smile. Haru could only hold his breathe for so long so he sat up. He stayed under till the very last moment before breaking the surface and his sanctuary. Rin was no longer smeared but still distorted. He sat on the edge of the bath tub, holding a cigarette between his fingers.

“Trying to kill yourself again?” Rin said, after another drag, casually like they were discussing the weather

“Are you?” Haru said, staring at the cigarette.

“Maybe”

“I never tried to kill myself” Haru said

“Of course you did.”

“You’re not supposed to smoke in here” Haru said dryly

“I know” Rin said blowing smoke to the ceiling. Rin would have taped the smoke detectors closed by now. He had gotten it down to a science. Haru leaned back in the tub and shook some of the water off, he didn’t move to get out of the water or even cover himself.

Rin patted him on the shoulder mockingly, the cigarette too close to his skin, threatening to sting “oh, right, I forgot you were trying to get that scarf, isn’t that right Haruka?”

“Don’t call me that”

Another long drag, releasing it “Ha.ru.ka” Rin said slowly, the sounds mingling with the smoke. He said it like an insult. He might as well have called him a bitch, actually Haru might have preferred it if he did. Haru stood, water sloshed over the edge and stained Rin’s pants as he stepped out of the tub. He could feel Rin’s eyes on his back, drinking in every part of him unapologetically. He didn’t blush or turn away like a normal person would. Haru towelled himself down and slipped on the same clothes he had been wearing before. He could feel the hot prickle of Rin’s eyes on him but he forced himself to slow down his movements, don’t rush. The place was already starting to smell of smoke. Rin ground the cigarette bud out on the edge of the tub, water sizzling and turning grey with ash.

There was only one bed in the room, Rin probably asked for a room with only one bed. Haru hide his displeasure well. “You’re not coming to bed?” he asked when Rin sat back at the table, the map sprawled in front of him.

“Nah” Rin said, biting the cap of a red marker. Haru didn’t push for an explanation. He was too tired to. He crawled into bed, the motel mattress, thin and lumpy still felt like haven against his sore muscles and he quickly fell into a dreamless night.

Haru still remembered the day Rin had showed up in front of his house, leaning against the side of a car. It had been nice red car back then, despite it being second hand. It had still been a car back then, not the car “Get in” Rin said smiling and Haru did. Rin had gotten sick of the sleepy town, got in a car one day and had never stopped since, leaving bread crumbs of ashes and burnt down houses. Making little red crosses on his map as he went, like a treasure chest was buried there. Haru was just being dragged along for the ride.

He was rudely awaked by a heavy dip in the mattress, and soon after a heavy arm draped across his him, Rin’s breathe was hot against of his neck smelling faintly of alcohol, the fuel to his fire. Haru lay looking at the far wall until he heard Rin’s soft snoring. When he did, slowly so he didn’t wake Rin, he reached and grabbed for his phone in the dark. Blindly, he felt around the drawer, he found his postcard again, hidden like a dirty secret. A soft light illuminated his face as he dialled in the number.

Maybe in another life he would be laying in bed with Makoto instead of Rin. Maybe in another life Makoto could have picked up the pieces, maybe he still could. Or maybe Makoto would hate what he had become because he had loved Haruka- not the person he was now. The person who woke up in the hospital bed was different. He glanced over shoulder. Rin was still asleep. Haru remembered the attendant and it had rattled him. He had taken the door Haru had bolted up and made a crack, small but it was enough to leak out feelings and thoughts that Haru had so carefully sealed away and reminded him of all the what ifs. He pressed the phone to his ear, the ringing echoing in his ears.

Maybe Makoto wouldn’t remember him or maybe, like Haru, he had become an entirely different person. Maybe he was more in love with the memory of the man than the man itself, like he was with Rin.

Maybe in another life, Makoto would have picked up.

Haru had never tried to kill himself. Not really. His arms were never covered in cuts but in cigarette burns. In a weird way, he didn’t blame Rin either. Haru had been young and stupid and made all the wrong choices. It was his entire fault that he was trapped. It was late in summer when he fell into the river. Everything had gone completely silent. Cold tendrils wrapped around him, like an old friends embrace as he drifted down. He did nothing to claw his way to the surface. He knew he was drowning so he had gulped in water just to get it over with. He thought it would hurt, that he would be scared at least but he never felt more peaceful in his life. His eyes slid shut and he welcomed the darkness.

Then everything was too bright as he stared at the hospital ceiling, the soft beeps of telling him he was still alive. It had only started hurting then. His throat hurt for a long time after that from coughing up the water. He still remembered the feeling of complete peace. Maybe that why Rin did what he did. To be able to come so close to death that he had looked it in the eyes as it touched his cheek and smile. Instead of water, it was fire for Rin.

Then again he never really understood Rin or why he did anything. He just pretended that he did, grasping at the truth. A dead star still shining bright, the reality just waiting to hit. Maybe he did it for something as simple as attention? Or maybe he did it because he had nothing left to lose?

Rin sobbed next to him, big tears streaking down his face and for once Rin seemed small, like they were finally equals. “Don’t do that again. Never fucking ever do that again.” Rin said his words barely understandable “Don’t you leave me too” would have you cried for me too, Makoto? Or would have you hated me?

“Yeah, I won’t” Haru said looking at the ceiling, the beeping telling him he was still alive. Haru sighed. He wondered if Rin knew what he was doing to him. He wondered if he even knew what he was doing was wrong. Later he told them he had been trying to get a scarf that had fallen into the river. Rin was the one who first said he had tried to kill himself. Somewhere along the way he had forgotten which one was true. Or maybe he just didn’t care anymore.

Light filtered through the blinds, haru blinked awake, feeling uncomfortably hot.

“You sleep well, sweat heart?” Rin said rolling onto his back, his red hair sprawled across the pillow

“Yeah” Haru lied because it was easier than arguing.

After buying supplies of chips and coke, they’re back in the car, and back on the road again. More than ever the car felt more like a prison. Haru leaned forward and changed the song, the previous was some stupid love song that made him sick.

“I was listening to that” Rin said, switching it back.

“I don’t like that song”

“Well I do”

Haru grumbled, kicking his feet up onto the dashboard, turning to look out of the window. It was too early for this. No point starting fights now when he still had the entire day trapped in solitary confinement with Rin, They make it a few miles in a tight tension that was usual for them before a ring cuts it. Haru sat up, his blood ice. Nobody called them, ever, which meant that it could only mean that it was….The rings weren’t coming from his pocket but Rin’s. Rin pulled out Haru’s phone from his pocket. Haru’s eyes go wide. Rin smiled.

“Did you sleep well, sweetheart?” Rin purred

“Rin, give it back” Haru eyed the phone as Rin played with it between his fingers. The rings were like the beeping in the hospital, a life thread. Rin flipped his phone open,”I didn’t know you still got calls’” Rin said in a tone that made it sound like he knew exactly who it was.

“Rin, please”

Rin hung up and pulled life support.

“And look at what I found too” he pulled out a postcard; he turned it around, painfully casual “wasn’t this Iwatobi?” Then his voice was suddenly edged “You’ve been keeping secrets from me, Haru”

“Give it to me” Haru grabbed for the card but Rin jerked it away at the last moment, laughing like a school boy. He passed the paper to his second hand, the one still holding the steering wheel, as his hand slipped into his pocket. He flicked open the lighter. Haru felt sick.

“Don’t worry, that be an easy fix” Haru watched in horror as Rin flicked the flame on, the fire at his finger tips and playfully holding it to the paper. The paper darkened before it charred.

“Don’t!” Haru launched himself at Rin, trying to wrestle the paper from his hand, the car swerved violently and Haru heard Rin swear. Rin elbowed Haru in the cheek. Haru jerked back and fell into his seat, his face throbbing. It was torn and burnt, but Haru clutched the postcard to his chest.

“What’s wrong with you? We could have died!”

Haru opened the car door, the black of the road like violent rapids. Rin swore again and slammed the breaks. They both lurched forward. The tires screamed. Haru scrambled out of the car, struggling with his belt. He walked back up the way they had just come. When a car door opened behind him, he flinched. He should be running. But what use would that do. He had no clothes, no money (they were all in the car). He had no plan. And Rin was faster than him.

Rin caught his arm and whipped him around, grabbing his shoulders so he couldn’t twist away.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going!? You have nowhere else to go!”

“Not after you burnt down my house!”

“You promised you wouldn’t leave me!”

He knew all this but he still dug his heels into the ground when Rin grabbed his wrist, dragging him back to the car. Haru tackled Rin, bodily and clumsily throwing himself at Rin, striking the match. He had caught Rin off guard but he quickly recovered and they wrestled messily. He never had a chance against Rin. They lost their footing and fell off the road, rolling down the slope.

They fell into the river in an explosion of water. It happened in slow motion and all at once at the same time. There was a loud splash before everything was drowned out and became silent. Cold liquid enveloped his body, familiar cold limbs opened its arms for him and for a split second Haru was so tempted to return the greeting, to finally let go and embrace it.

He faintly registered Rin fighting violently beside him, a burst of bubbles exploded from his mouth. His limbs stilled. He was drowning. Haru could always hold his breathe longer than him. They drifted further into the dark water. But then he thought of Makoto and his sister who was forever five. Then he thought of himself and all the stupid mistakes he had made. He grabbed Rin by the back of his shirt, and pulled them both to the surface, breaking the surface with a loud gasp. He crawled up onto the muddy bank. Rin flopped on his back next to him.

  
Haru shook until Rin sputtered and rolled on to his side coughing wetly and violently as his body forced the water out of his lungs.

“I didn’t do that for you” Haru said when he stopped and he leaned back on his hands, watching as the river, bubbling and its hands reaching out to him. Maybe next time he thought to the river. Maybe in another life he would have let Rin drown. Maybe in another life he wouldn’t have regretted it.

“My lighter got wet” Rin said, on his back.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if I missed any errors/mistakes, it seems like no matter how many times I go over something I always miss stuff :(  
> I was trying something new for this one and this AU has been eating away at me so I hope you enjoyed it.  
> Kudos/comments/constructive criticism are always appreciated


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